Outside a mourning dove cries in its new nest in the birch tree, at the same time a small fishing boat on the bay glides by. Before washing my hands, I remove my wedding band, put it on a saucer, and think of Mark, wondering where he is. Though I’m a little lonely, I don’t want him here. I think of the other night and seeing Antonio at his house. I know I’ve never felt the same feelings with Mark that I had with Antonio. I don’t remember feelings of wanting him badly to be with me. Did I trade true love for comfort?
Being with Mark has meant there’d always be safety, certainty, and security for me. But as Patsy said, Mark himself has not been a constant for me. He’s a man prone toward selfishness, a man not understanding of his partner’s essential nature. He has tried, but what that’s meant is giving me more things to replace the intangible cravings I’ve had: to be seen, heard, listened to.
I can’t say for sure what my life with Antonio might have been. But I can remember like yesterday the yearnings I had for him, those of both purity and lust.
Someone knocks at the door. “Carmen, the door’s open. Come in.”
Karma, wagging her tail, runs from the kitchen to our visitor, whining happily.
“Carmen?” I yell from the kitchen while chopping a banana. “I’m in the kitchen making a fruit salad. The hammer’s on the table. And thank you for the string beans.” The footsteps come closer, then stop.
“It’s not Carmen.”
I turn, see the dark-and-silver-hair. The square jaw. The unmistakable dimples.
It’s Antonio.
He wears faded jean, a black cotton T-shirt, scuffed black work boots. “I heard you say to come in … I hope you don’t mind.” Karma sniffs his boots, licks his fingertips. He smiles broadly, points at the knife I’m holding. “Or maybe I shouldn’t have. You’re not going to rush at me with that, are you?”
I look down. My knife is aimed at him. “No, no. I was making a … I thought you were my neighbor …” The words fade. I lay the knife on the cutting board, wipe my hands with the dish towel.
His eyes melt my being. He takes an easy step toward me and nods in a familiar way, a primitive way, pulling me in like the moon pulls the sea. He studies me, missing little and holds up a clipboard. He wears a watch with a black complex face and black leather band. “I told you I’d send someone over to take a look at your house.” In one swoop, he examines the cottage.
“My house?” I ask.
He bites his lip. “You said you need some repairs?”
“Oh right,” I say, heat rising in my neck.
“My crews are all over town,” he says. “So you get the boss today. Wanna show me around?”
“Sure.”
He follows me to the front door. I hold it open, giving him unsaid permission to exit first.When he steps over the threshold, the skin of his forearm skims my shoulder.
His movements, even and fluid, arouse me. I watch the braid of back muscles tighten when he descends under the house searching for the cause of a water stain.
Later, I walk him to the door, and i can tell that he, too, is feeling unsure what to do next. He follows up with a half hug, and then, “Are you going to the Fourth of July bonfire at the vineyard?”
I feel flutters. “I saw their flier, but haven’t thought about it, but yes, I’ll go.”
“Good. See you there. And I’ll be in touch about your house.”
I stay at the door and watch him step into his truck. My heart races as he leaves.
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